Navigating 5 Stages of Grief After a Divorce

Are you having a hard time dealing with the aftermath of emotional wounds left over from your marriage and your divorce? If you are, you’re not alone. Many people suffer from a roller coaster of emotions before, during and after a divorce. Did you know that the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory indicates that divorce is the second most stressful situation that a person can experience? It is especially challenging for older singles with children who divorce in the Latter-Day Saint culture where families are sealed together forever.

Singles mourning the loss of everything they once loved, need a lot of support from their family, friends and the ward members around them. Yet many members don’t know how to relate to single members and many divorced singles end up feeling uncomfortable in an environment they once loved.

The emotions that come with divorce creates an all-consuming void that seems impossible to fill. You worry about what others might think so you hide how you are really feeling and do your best to handle the emotional stress from all the challenges you are facing alone.  

The truth is that you can run, hide, bury and deny the circumstances of your pain but sooner or later you will have to face the emotional disruption that has been caused by your divorce.

Acknowledging the pain, you are feeling and talking about how your loss is affecting your life is one of the first steps you will take on your road to healing.

Psychologists say that there are five stages common for grieving a significant loss.  Let me give you a brief overview of the stages of grief that you will go through on your road to recovery.

The first stage is denial/ isolation, in this stage you block out the facts and try to rationalize your situation in hopes that it will lessen the intense emotions you feel. Denial is a natural protection mechanism that will help you to distance yourself from emotionally overwhelming situations. You may even be able to ignore your pain and pretend that everything is fine.

The second stage is anger. In this stage, you resent what has occurred and lash out in anger. This stage is heavy with blame and when we are blaming it is not uncommon to bitterly dissect the events of your relationships. If you are not careful this stage can become all-consuming and will produce hostile and vindictive feelings and decisions. It is important that you deal with your emotions and think through any decisions that will have long lasting effects.

The third stage is bargaining. In the bargaining stage you try to rationalize the pain you are feeling. You may even find yourself questioning the decisions you have made and analyzing your consequences. This stage can bring you a sense of hope or hopelessness.

The fourth stage is the sadness/depression. Sadness/depression is a stage where the reality of your situation sinks in. You may find yourself going in and out of this stage while you work through the emotional distress of your divorce. WARNING if you do not resolve the emotions caused by your divorce the impact of those feelings will affect every area of your life including future relationships. Stage 4 is one of the harder stages because most people don’t know how to separate themselves from, or work through the pain of a significant loss without help. Please remember that children of divorced parents also need help resolving the feelings that they are experiencing as well.

The fifth stage of the grieving process is acceptance. Acceptance comes after you have processed your pain, stopped the blame and have truly forgiven.

The stages don’t always occur in the order listed and the length of time required for each stage varies, but to fully heal most people will experience each stage of the process multiple times before true acceptance occurs.

It takes time to heal from a significant loss. At first, your feelings may seem overwhelming, but as you accept where you are without judgement and work through the steps of grief you will begin to feel better. Remember that you cannot heal on your own so reach out and get the support you need.

Let me end by sharing one of my favorite exercises that I use with clients who are struggling with major changes in their lives. The first part of the exercises is to write a letter to their former and future self.

The letter to your former self is a goodbye letter to life as it once was. This is a chance to take an in-depth look into all of the physical and emotional adjustments you must make. Adjustments include loss of intimacy, the loss of social connection, loss of traditions, loss of your hopes and dreams for you family, and for those with children it’s the loss of not being with your kids every day. It’s a time where you say goodbye to friends and family members who are no longer able to support you. This is also a time to acknowledge your new lifestyle and financial reality and any other changes you may be experiencing.

The letter to your future self includes the intimacy, social connection, traditions, relationships and all the hopes and dreams you want to create! Did you know that you will have a much better chance at creating a new life if you vividly imagine how your new life is going to look, sound and feel? (look) I am going to join a Meetup group that likes golf so I can socialize more. (sound) Those around me will speak positive about their life and the lives of those around them. Those around me will express their appreciation for who I am and the contributions I make. (feel) I will feel comfortable, peaceful, fulfilled, energetic etc…

The second part involves taking what they wrote about their future self and creating a vision board. The vision board has pictures of all the hopes and dreams of their new life. They also come up with some positive affirmations that will uplift and encourage their new life. The stronger you emotionally anchor in the life you want to have the easier it is to attain it.

In future post I will share some excerpts from my book 30 Days Through Self-Discovery on specific ways to create a vision board and how to write positive affirmations with some examples.