Hope for the wounded soul

Divorce at any time is a devastating lifetime event. When I became a single mother after 28 years of marriage, I was devastated. The voices in my head were screaming, “I’m insignificant, unloved and abandoned again!” I felt so alone with nowhere to turn. I was surprised how fast the loneliness of my childhood came flooding over me. I felt like a tidal wave of grief was taking over my life and there was nothing that I could do to stop it. I felt lost in a world I had never been to before.

I had no idea how to navigate this new world I had been thrown into. I wondered how I was going to guide my four children ages 3-14, establish a new career and keep my children in a lifestyle they were accustomed to.

Confused and alone, I spent many restless nights on my knees begging the Lord for guidance. The only answer I received was share your story. This answer terrified me! I had spent a good portion of my adult life working through the shame and despair caused by my violent, unprotected past. Plus, I couldn’t comprehend how telling people about the broken pieces of my life was going to help my situation.  

The story I was prompted to share began the day I was born. As a child, the shame and despair caused by my experiences totally convinced me that I was worthless, had no value and had no reason to live. Ironically, these were the same feelings I had been fighting with. I was placed in the California foster care system at fourteen. Before foster care, I was a victim of incest, lived on the streets, had been beaten, neglected, abandoned, threatened at gunpoint, and violated in unspeakable ways.

For many years these nightmares, along with the destructive thoughts, feelings and beliefs I had about myself, were my constant companions.

The view I had of myself, because of my unprotected life, made me feel hopeless. I remember taking showers and not being able to wash away the dirty, shameful way that I felt about myself. I remember praying to a God I wasn’t worthy to talk to, but silently knowing it was the only place that I could turn for peace. Little did I know He was always by my side, I was just in too much pain to recognize His love for me.

It is so amazing how the second I opened up to sharing my story, I received an offer to teach a court mandated class on The Power to Change. The eight years I taught that class gave me the opportunity to define some of the processes I used to start a rewarding career in coaching. It also gave me the opportunity to bless a lot of lives.

One of the most important things that I have learned about my life is that even though I was victimized, I am not a victim. I did not ask for nor did I deserve any of the painful experiences I encountered. I also know that once I turned my life over to Christ, the meaning in my life changed. I wanted to help people feel worthy, wanted and confident in their lives. We all deserve to feel the peace, happiness and joy this life has to offer.

I do want to clarify that the peace I experience in my life today did not magically appear. I had to commit to doing the hard-uncomfortable work of facing my fears, processing my pain, and completely forgiving myself for all the pain I had carried. I also chose to surrender my pain, shame and guilt over to our Savior. I think one of the hardest steps was forgiving myself. I have learned that forgiveness is a never ending process that begins with me. I cannot truly forgive others until I fully forgive myself.

The type of peace that comes when you truly forgive your self is the kind of peace that can only come through the healing power of the atonement. His mercy is complete and will make you whole. It has given me the wisdom, strength and compassion needed to reach out in a nonjudgmental way to help others work through their own emotional struggles.

Ezra Taft Benson once said, “Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that he can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He can deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, and pour out peace.”

I love this quote! It doesn’t say that the Lord is going to rescue me from my circumstances or even take away my angst, it says that He will comfort our souls and pour out peace. I know from personal experience that if we are willing to forgive, He can and will carry the pain, guilt and shame of our burdens for us. He has the power to replace pain with worthiness and peace.

It took a long time for me to sort through the intense pain of my past and discover my true potential, but it wasn’t until I turned my heart over to the healing power of the atonement that my life was forever changed. I have also been blessed to have some great coaches by my side. They have guided my path and I have found purpose in my pain, strength in my struggle and joy in my unexpected journey of life.

I’m not going to say that my life is perfect. I still have times of struggle and pain, but I have the tools to pull out of emotional darkness much quicker. I also know where to turn for peace, and that peace comes from a power that never falters and is always there.

I have a living testimony of the healing power that occurs when we turn our guilt and shame over to Christ. I love him with all my heart and know with every fiber of my being that I would be nothing without his tender personal love in my life.

To any of you who suffer on a daily basis from pain caused by choices you have made or by the choices of another, please know that I understand pain and I want to use the transformation I have experienced to help you work through your challenges and find happiness. I also want you to know that our Heavenly Father understands your pain and is waiting for you to lay your burdens at His feet. He is there, and when you are ready He will take your burdens from you and replace them with peace.

I will leave you with the words of Elder David A. Bednar. He said, “The Savior has suffered not just for our iniquities but also for the inequality, the unfairness, the pain, the anguish, and the emotional distresses that so frequently beset us. There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first. You and I in a moment of weakness may cry out, “No one understands. No one knows.” No human being, perhaps, knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life. He can reach out, touch, succor—literally run to us—and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying upon only our own power. “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”  

You are loved!!!